Faith Talamantez / The Daily Nexus
UC Santa Barbara’s Environmental Health & Safety has made headlines this week following a loud explosion reported in the building, halting business (which many didn’t even know was happening). As employees evacuated the building, many claimed the explosion was caused by the phone messaging system, which had combusted after reaching mass capacity. Investigations have subsequently been opened into UC Santa Barbara’s Environmental Health & Safety office, as the University of California has expressed interest in knowing how its $500,000 budget is being utilized, if not in promoting health and safety on campus.
First responder Matt Carlton provided more detailed information about the actual accident. “It looks like the explosion was caused by a backlog of almost six year’s worth of unanswered messages. It caused damage to the ping pong room, the movie screening room and the indoor pool, which are all housed within the UCSB Environmental Health & Safety building,” Carlton said.
When pressed about the nature of their work inside the building, many employees were confused, such as 65-year-old Janet Bowman who works in Admin, “You mean we had work to do? I thought this was an early retirement home.”
The information emerging from the remains of the UCSB Environmental Health & Safety building has prompted many students and staff to come forward with their own stories about their interactions with the department. They are disgusted by the reports of gross negligence, but they aren’t surprised. Cara Theroux, a third-year chemistry major, weighed in. “I dropped nitric acid on my hand during a lab, but when we called the Environmental Health & Safety number to ask what we should do, nobody picked up. But, there’s a huge community of students here at UCSB that have lost their limbs in accidents that Environmental Health & Safety never responded to, and so I have met a lot of new friends through this ordeal,” Theroux said.
In the name of good journalism, the Nexus made sure to get all perspectives on the department’s “we don’t care” policy. After tracking down and speaking to a College of Creative Studies student majoring in rat linguistics, this reporter was able to interview a rat colony from the Santa Rosa Residence Hall, represented by a rat whose name roughly translates to Geronimo: “We’re really grateful to the department; they’ve allowed us to finally find somewhere to live where we aren’t persecuted. A few of our elders passed away, and normally the wall would’ve been taken apart and they would’ve been removed, but Environmental Health & Safety has left them to peacefully decay!”
A few employees of UCSB Environmental Health & Safety have responded to requests for comments, and all of them have gone on the defensive, such as recent UCSB graduate Theresa Brown who supposedly mans the phones: “We, like, realized that we’re working too, like, hard. Like, we always have to pick up calls from these randos who are like, ‘Boohoo, help me! I think I have hantavirus!’ Like, it’s a dangerous world or whatever, so, like learn to deal with crap yourself or just call 911.”
Babs Jones, another alleged phone-answerer, agrees with the sentiment that the department is actually doing students and staff a favor in their dereliction of duty: “Kids these days are too weak. This is our solution to the snowflake problem. Back in my day, if you got covered in acid, you just washed it off and got on with your life. There was no complaining about acid burns or debilitating injuries. They’ll thank us one day.”
When asked if the department will be shut down following the investigation findings, Ursula Vargas, a representative for UC Santa Barbara, responded by saying, “We’re legally required to keep the department, even if it is just performative. They’re not that necessary anyway — there are never any injuries or illnesses being reported to them, according to their logs — so they don’t need to be doing too good a job.”
And so, UCSB staff and students, if faced with a potentially life-threatening, illness-inducing situation while on campus, think to yourself, “Is this actually serious or am I just too Gen Z?” This will ensure that you really think about your next steps before making your problems Environmental Health & Safety’s problem, which they will most likely ignore anyway.
Serrano Ham is currently trying to learn how to speak rat, to try and convince the ones living in the dorms to leave her the hell alone.
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